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The
Maplewoods Mirror #13 (May 2007)
Welcome to my monthly newsletter on life and writing. If you
want to see my website for back issues and other news, please visit www.chrismeeks.com.
In the last issue, I
told a story of how I fell onto an aloe vera plant, skewering myself, and
blood flowed. I learned a few things. First, don’t garden on a
hillside, especially if you’re standing on an ice plant, which is
well-named and slippery. Second, thanks an adept reader (thanks,
Glenna), I discovered that wasn’t aloe vera, but agave—perfect for making
tequila and margaritas. Maybe I’ll make a better distiller than gardener.
Third, based on the e-mail I received, people liked the humor. This
issue has more humor.
In fact, this issue
below has two main headings: Humor Topics and Writing
Topics. For some of the longer pieces, I'll just give you
the opening paragraphs, and if it interests you, click on the link to
read the piece in its entirety. In that way, you can zip through
this, looking for what appeals to you. If you have a chance, write me
back and tell me what works.
HUMOR TOPICS
Unless I’m going to be
the Evel Kinevel of Comedy, I can’t afford to hurt myself each issue in the
name of laughter, so I’m going in new directions: parody and satire.
See if you can see which is below.
TEXT FOR
CONTICOR COMMERCIAL
Hugh
Hefner poses with his three girlfriends, from left, Kendra
Wilkinson, Bridget Marquardt and Holly Madison.
Hello, I’m Hugh
Hefner, inventor of the fulfilled male heart. I’m 81 years old, and I
live in a mansion with three beautiful women who are willing to have sex
with me whenever I feel like it. I just have to say, “Hey, Holly,
Bridget, Kendra. My Viagra’s kicked in, and I’m going to have this
boner for four hours. Can you help me with it?” Yes, my
girlfriends are young, blonde, big-breasted, and beautiful, but to quote
mythologist Joseph Campbell, “Follow your bliss.”
But I’m not here to
talk to you about the beauty of a double D or how to pretend to sound interested
in your twenty-year-old lover’s plight of what class to take at
massage therapy school. (“Gee, I don’t know, dear. I’m
pondering internment versus cremation, and you’re worrying about your major
at a time like this?”)
No, I’m here to talk
to you about a new pill. Let’s assume that with your doctor’s help,
you already have a few things under control including Mr.
Happy dysfunction, cholesterol, blood pressure, and depression.
I’m here to talk to you about diarrhea.
Yes, diarrhea is
embarrassing. There’s nothing worse than… (whispers) using all
that toilet paper. Those blonde girls spend hours getting themselves
ready to look the way they do, and I owe them big time. I can’t soil
myself. I have both an image and an erection to maintain. Why
get it up if the runs have you down?
So now there's
something new: Conticor
Conticor has the
essence of cheese, the part of cheese that makes things binding. I
say why eat cheese when you can have a pill? It works with my many
other pills.
These pills make my
life regular, fulfilling, normal—if life in a mansion owned by a
corporation is normal, and being followed around by an E! Entertainment
film crew is normal, and living with three girls each half the age of my
daughter is normal, but what’s normal anymore? And if eighty is
the new sixty, and sixty is the old fifty, then, well, I’m still much older
than these gals. That’s okay, because it’s this crazy thing we call
love.
Conticor is not for
everyone. If you have colon cancer, are depressed, or belt out
"My Way" when singing karaoke, it's not for you. If you own
a poodle, love anything Rosie O’Donnell says, or agree with George Bush
that Alberto Gonzales is doing a heck of a job, it’s not for you,
either. Side effects include (talks fast as the three girls play
volleyball in bikinis in slow motion) neuritis, neuralgia, and loose
bowel movements; strange pains in the side, strange pains in the head, and
schmutz between the toes. Recommended to eat with bananas, mashed
potatoes, and lots of cheese. Because of its high sugar content, not
to be used if you have diabetes.
Conticor is by
prescription only. Please tell your doctor about Conticor.
Doctors are so busy these days, they don’t have time to watch TV for the
medicines they should be prescribing. Sure, they should be
researching these many new drugs with too many new strange side effects but
when they’re not prescribing, they’re playing golf or buying a new
condo. So help your doctor out just like my girls help me out.
Tell him or her about Conticor.
(Close on
Kendra, Holly, and Bridget rising slowly out of the water of the Playboy
Mansion grotto, water beading on their surgically enhanced breasts.
They say in unison, “You’ll be glad you did.”)
Also check with your
doctor about liver function, kidney function, and islets of Langerhans
function. You can be happy like me with Conticor.
(Close on Kendra, Holly, and Bridget, who say, “Hey, Hef. Have
you remembered your pills?” They give big sexy smiles.)
Conticor.
PARIS HILTON SENDS OTHER CELEBRITIES SEEKING SLAMMER TIME
CNN news analyst Larry King, in his live show asked, "Will
Paris' time the slammer make her a bigger celebrity?" The
heiress of the Hilton fortune has created a career on image alone and was
perhaps the first person to benefit from a sex tape, which made her more
famous and sought after (see earlier article, "Hilton Heiress Has Real
Sex--Says It Makes Her Tingle Good"). Hilton may well see that her
fame and fortune will skyrocket for her time in the so-called slammer.
In a recent poll on Showbiz Tonight, 98% of all respondents said they
do not feel sorry for Hilton going to jail. Said one respondent,
"She could have hired a driver. It's not like she doesn't have the
money for it, or hell, she could have taken a six-month vacation to a beach
house, worked on her tan. And so what if she is a star? She still is
a human being living in the U.S., and there are laws to follow."
With such a lack of empathy, what's a star to do?
"Paris will no doubt cash in on this chapter of notoriety in
her life as well," said Dave Levine, executive producer of Showbiz
Tonight. "And people will continue to love to hate her. But no one
ever sustained a career fueled by sheer negativity. Paris needs to not only
get her act together, but reinvent it. If not, she'll become a segment on a
future edition of Whatever Happened To ... And you can bet this episode
will have a laugh track."
Levine is not the only one to note the possible positive
repercussions for Hilton's jail time. Representatives for stars
Brittany Spears, Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Richards, and David
Hasselhoff have gone to Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer, who presides
over Hilton's sentencing, to ask for jail time for their clients.
"Hilton going to the hoosegow is a product of a couple things,
including her license being suspended for drunk driving and, be real, for
having a famous video tape," said lawyer F. Lee Bailey to the
judge. "My client David Hasselhoff has both in one: he's drunk
on tape. That's worth at least ten days in a dungeon, isn't it?"
Bailey went on to ask for jail time for himself, noting that since the O.J.
trial, his fame has been eclipsed by a number of famous attorneys,
including feminist lawyer Gloria Allred.
To read the rest, please click or go to this link: http://homepage.smc.edu/meeks_christopher/PARIS%20HILTON.htm
THE HELP LINE
My X-Actly
battery-operated pencil sharpener had become too full of shavings. I
pushed on the clear shavings holder to dump it. It wouldn’t
open. I pushed this way and that, and it would not come loose.
Luckily, I noticed a toll-free number on the bottom of the sharpener, and I
called.
“For help with
X-Actly’s knives, press or say one,” said a soft female voice as if in a
sacred exploration of the Kama Sutra. “For help with X-Actly’s pencil
sharpeners, press or say two. For help with X-Actly’s interest-only
first and second mortgages, press or say three.”
“Fuc?X!! give me a
person!” I yelled into the phone.
“I’m sorry,” said the
voice. “Fuc?X!! is not an option.”
“A real person, god
damn it,” and I pressed “O” about fifty times.
“Please, do your yoga
exercises or take a Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor such as Zoloft
and call back.” The voice hung up on me. I tried calling again
several times, but it was always busy. These phone lines are smart.
But the voice had a
point. I’d forgotten to take my SSRI, and I took it and called back
after an hour. I was determined to get through to a person this time
before getting mad. I listened to the initial message again, and I
pressed two for pencil sharpeners. The voice told me a sharpener
specialist was helping another end user but would soon help me. I
listened to a violin version of “Stairway to Heaven” and thought of all the
birthdays I’d missed in the last month. I needed to get those people
cards.
“’Ello, ‘ello,
m’name’s Bruce,” said a heavily accented man.
“Are you a real
person?”
“Aye, mate. Need
help with your pencil sharpener?”
To read the rest, please click or go to this link: http://homepage.smc.edu/meeks_christopher/The%20Help%20Line.htm
THE DAILY SHOW
I had no idea I could watch The Daily Show with
Jon Stewart online. I love the show but, hey, I'm over 40 and I have an
8-year-old daughter whose third grade homework involves deep frustration,
nightly pencil throwing, and, yes, her occasional blurtation (is that a
word?) of "I hate school." We do have a call into Super Nanny,
but in the meantime, we talk to her firmly and use such harsh expressions
as "That hurts my feelings, but I love you anyway." The point is,
we're in bed by ten and just can't get to The Daily Show. Now I
can--causing me, of course, to miss correcting a batch of papers, but
someone has to watch the show. Want a guilty pleasure? Go here:
http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/the_daily_show/index.jhtml
WRITING
TOPICS
AGENTS AND PUBLISHERS
The Los
Angeles Times Festival of Books that takes place each sprint on
theUCLA campus really started this year on the USC campus with a panel
called "The Roadmap to Success" for the graduate students of the
Professional Writing Program, where I teach.
It was hosted by
novelist and USC instructor Gina Nahai, and the panel included two agents,
Sandra Dijkstra (San Diego) and Barbara Lowenstein (New York).
Publisher David Poindexter, who founded MacAdam/Cage, a top publisher whose
offices are in Marin, was there, as was Susan Salter Reynolds, a book
reviewer for the Los Angeles Times, and Jan Valerio,
a special events organizer for Barnes and Noble. It was
interesting hearing them because I sensed how the book business is much
like the film business: no one can predict anything well. Jan
from Barnes and Noble said they were completely caught off guard with how
"The Secret" caught on. Their intial order was rather
small.
One of the first
questions from the audience was to the agents: how do we get to you or any
agent--how do we start? They said going to panel discussions like
that was a good start and that writing conferences were particularly a good
place to meet agents. Someone asked were there better writing
conferences than others, and all seemed to agree the Squaw Valley Writer's
Conference was the best for literary books.
Someone asked if
winning awards at a conference helped getting to agents, and Sandra
Dijkstra said absolutely--anything to stand out helped.
Agent Sandra Dijkstra
made the job of the writer clearest: write something with heart. If
you can infuse your own observations and experience into your stories,
you're likely to have heart and some wisdom. I happen to find
that if I'm writing truthfully, wisdom finds its way in. I'm never
out to be didactic. No diatribes spill out; no soapboxes fall into my
worlds. Even so, somewhere in a second or third rewrite, little
truths become more evident to me.
Publisher David
Poindexter leaned toward his audience and said, “It seems to me, you can
write two kinds of books: the kind that’s for what you think is the
marketplace or the kind that you have to write and it means something to
you.” He went onto explain while successful writers often have an
audience in mind, what counts is “Is the writing important to you?”
If it’s important to the writer, it’ll matter to the reader.
Graduate student
Brittany Tashjian said that statement impressed her the most. She saw it as
the difference between writing just to be published versus writing because
you have something to say. “I like to believe that a writer thrives
on an element of self-satisfaction and the beauty found in imparting wisdom
more than just the craving to be published. And it’s so ironic that
even a man who makes his living from publishing can see and value the
difference. That’s very cool to me,” she said.
Another student Nasha
Khan, said, “Despite the fact that I'm not in that position yet to really
utilize the information, it was good exposure for us to hear about the
whole daunting publishing business.”
COOL PLUMS
I received an e-mail
from John Lehmann, editor of the literary magazine Rosebud, about a
new opportunity for both writers and readers. Here’s what he says:
"Hi, I've just launched www.coolplums.com,
a new interactive web-zine with monthly themes, literary contests and
writerly book excerpts. The best submissions will be carried nationally in
a special section of Rosebud also called "Cool Plums."
Click on the link above for details. Let me know what you think, and please
join in and participate." John Lehman
READING AT
SKIRBALL
The 14th Annual
Publication Party hosted by the UCLA Extension Writers’ Program will be on Wednesday,
June 6, 7:00 – 9:30 p.m. (Doors open at 7 pm; readings begin at
7:30 pm). The gratis event is near the Getty Center
at:
Skirball Cultural Center
2701 North Sepulveda Blvd.
Hear Christopher Meeks, Bruce Bauman, Samantha Dunn, Dinah Lenney,
Aimee Liu, Andrea Seigel, and twelve other Writers’ Program
instructors for very short spirited readings of their recently published
work, followed by book signings, refreshments, and the opportunity to meet
fellow writers. Admission and parking are without charge . RSVP
by calling (310) 794-1846 or send an email to writers@uclaextension.edu.
"WHO
LIVES? MAY BE HEADED TO CINCINNATI
Until I have contract
in hand, I won't quit believe it, but my play "Who Lives?" is
supposed to be mounted at the large and beautiful Aronoff Center for the
Arts in Cincinnati, September 19 through 23 for six performances with a
name star yet to be disclosed. It will be directed by Stephen Furst,
the actor who was in St. Elsewhere. He will also mount the play in
North Hollywood's El Portal Theatre, a mid-size house, in March 2008.
TWO VIEWS OF
GRIFFITH PARK, ONE BURNING
A few weeks ago, the
sunset from the kitchen looked particularly great. I grabbed my
camera and took a few shots from the porch. The very next day when I
was driving home, the afternoon light seemed suddenly golden, and that made
me look up in the sky to answer why. I saw smoke. I soon
learned it was Griffith Park on fire. It lasted over two days and
consumed a thousand acres. Here are two views, a day apart:
See
you next time!
--Chris
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